I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
