My hand turned me down
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
