apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
