dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
