just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
