Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
