her vagina looked like bernie madoff
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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