I just threw up on my dentist
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
