yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Randomize
