Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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