JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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