She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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