I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
