The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
