i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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