if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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