anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
