At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
