I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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