Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
