exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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