I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
