ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
