She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
