U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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