Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
