Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
