im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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