if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
