Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
