I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
