remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
