Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You have to summon your inner elephant
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
