i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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