Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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