So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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