just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
you inspire me to be a worse person
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Watching her eat just hurts me
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
