FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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