that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
