he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
