I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
