I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
