I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
