Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
