Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
