I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
