That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
