May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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