I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
