I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
