someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
